About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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