woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
