somebody snuck up and got me drunk
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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