FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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