Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
