i was born a porn star she said
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
