If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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