Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Randomize
