Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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