my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
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