I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i drank out of a bidet.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
