dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
