Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
