Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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