if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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