Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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