Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
