wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Randomize
