turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
