Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
