Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
