I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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