I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
