I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize