So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
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