Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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