well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
our cab driver is having phone sex.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Randomize
