Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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