pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You pole danced in your parka.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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