what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
