I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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