She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
