you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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