Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
