I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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