I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
