woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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