So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
