I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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