I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
