she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
