yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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