Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
