She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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