Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
