I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
please come you make the beer taste better
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
