I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we're chasing vodka with high fives
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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