My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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