Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
