I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Randomize
