Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
