I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
