When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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