You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
