i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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