Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
She needs sedatives and a leash
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
