If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
