we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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