Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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