i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I cut my penus on the lid.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
