Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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