You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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