Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
