Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
