My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
