Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
