Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize
