He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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